I weighed myself this afternoon and I have lost 3.2kg in 5 days!!! yay me :) I am really stoked with how quick the weight is coming off. For once the huge amount of weight i need to lose doesn't seem so insurmountable, the end to my obesity is in sight. And the speed it is coming off is making it easier for me to resist temptation. I am able to say "No I don't want that" and mean it.
I am hungry alot in the afternoons and evenings and it is a constant internal battle for me to resist the temptation I find in my path. It is worth it, when you get on the scales and see those numbers dropping so fast it makes all the struggling not to eat the easter eggs left on your desk worthwhile.
So I find myself hopeful, hopeful that this time I can do it, this time I can stick to this diet long enough to get to my goal, that this time I will be healthy and fit and looking damn good!
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Constant cravings...
are doing my head in! I had a really good day until about 8pm when I started craving all sorts of food, chocolate, bacon, peanut butter, luncheon, bread, did I mention chocolate?? I am not actually hungry, I just want all those foods because I am not sposed to have them - why does "bad" food have to taste so darn good?? It is always the way when you go on a diet, you start craving what you aren't supposed to eat. I don't actually want to eat those things because I am doing well so far this week and I don't want to undo the hard work i have put in, but my subconscious fat self keeps harping on in my ear. I am just staying outta the kitchen.
Those fat self voices in your head are the worst thing, and they are usually the reason I give up and go back to eating shite. I have spent years trying to find a counsellor to help me rid myself of those demons but there seems to be a dire lack of quality help out there. So I try to ignore them and focus on the good work I have done and the results I am getting.
I am watching "I used to be fat" on telly while I am writing this, it seems to me a majority of people who gain this much weight have self worth issues. To say I hate myself is an understatement, when people think badly about me because of my weight they can never come anywhere near the self loathing I have for myself. I don't know why I started to feel this way about myself, I remember being a happy child until we came back from SIngapore. Then I remember feeling that I was wrong in some way, not good enough, that I didn't belong in my family. I used to draw pictures of my family and I was always pictured well away from the rest of them. I know in later years that sense of not being enough worsened. I ate to cover my feelings, my parents sent me to boarding school (in their mind so I could get a good education) I felt unwanted, I was bullied at school and the over eating continued. I started binge eating in 5th form, I remember going to town and buying a big bag of chippies, king size chocolate, 2 litre coke and a 2 litre tub of ice cream and scoff it all down until I felt sick. I never threw it up.
And so I got fatter, I wasn't obese as a teen. I used to hear all the time that it was puppy fat and it would go away - hmm still hasn't gone and I am almost 40! LOL My parents didn't help, they misguidingly thought if they told me off about my weight I would do something about it. I did - I ate more!! The culture of my boarding school was you were nothing without a boyfriend, so I accepted the only boy who ever paid attention to me, it was the start of a 10year off and on relationship that finally ended when he became abusive. Honestly the physical abuse was nowhere near as damaging as the psychological abuse, the ramifications of his words still affect me today 15 years later.
I am lucky enough that I found a man who loves me for me, fat or thin, bitchy or nice. He still loves me. I still have difficulty accepting that and understanding it. I deep down don't believe I deserve it. I cannot believe that 12 years down the track he is still here, putting up with my crap and still loving me.
So the voices in my mind, the ones that tell me "you can't do it", "you will quit eventually", "you are always going to be fat", "you don't deserve to be happy" they are still there, but I am trying to drown them out. I am trying to look after the girl I was, silly little things like songs that I want my daughter to heed the message of, I am playing them for the girl who didn't hear them in me. Pink's "Perfect", Katy Perry's "Firework" I sing them to that girl and hope she will believe in what they are saying. Beacause I do deserve to be happy, lighter and loved. I am a worthwhile person and there are people who like and love me despite my faults and my fat. So I am stepping away from the chocolate and embracing my hunger pains and I am going to prove those voices in my head wrong! You just watch me!!!
Those fat self voices in your head are the worst thing, and they are usually the reason I give up and go back to eating shite. I have spent years trying to find a counsellor to help me rid myself of those demons but there seems to be a dire lack of quality help out there. So I try to ignore them and focus on the good work I have done and the results I am getting.
I am watching "I used to be fat" on telly while I am writing this, it seems to me a majority of people who gain this much weight have self worth issues. To say I hate myself is an understatement, when people think badly about me because of my weight they can never come anywhere near the self loathing I have for myself. I don't know why I started to feel this way about myself, I remember being a happy child until we came back from SIngapore. Then I remember feeling that I was wrong in some way, not good enough, that I didn't belong in my family. I used to draw pictures of my family and I was always pictured well away from the rest of them. I know in later years that sense of not being enough worsened. I ate to cover my feelings, my parents sent me to boarding school (in their mind so I could get a good education) I felt unwanted, I was bullied at school and the over eating continued. I started binge eating in 5th form, I remember going to town and buying a big bag of chippies, king size chocolate, 2 litre coke and a 2 litre tub of ice cream and scoff it all down until I felt sick. I never threw it up.
And so I got fatter, I wasn't obese as a teen. I used to hear all the time that it was puppy fat and it would go away - hmm still hasn't gone and I am almost 40! LOL My parents didn't help, they misguidingly thought if they told me off about my weight I would do something about it. I did - I ate more!! The culture of my boarding school was you were nothing without a boyfriend, so I accepted the only boy who ever paid attention to me, it was the start of a 10year off and on relationship that finally ended when he became abusive. Honestly the physical abuse was nowhere near as damaging as the psychological abuse, the ramifications of his words still affect me today 15 years later.
I am lucky enough that I found a man who loves me for me, fat or thin, bitchy or nice. He still loves me. I still have difficulty accepting that and understanding it. I deep down don't believe I deserve it. I cannot believe that 12 years down the track he is still here, putting up with my crap and still loving me.
So the voices in my mind, the ones that tell me "you can't do it", "you will quit eventually", "you are always going to be fat", "you don't deserve to be happy" they are still there, but I am trying to drown them out. I am trying to look after the girl I was, silly little things like songs that I want my daughter to heed the message of, I am playing them for the girl who didn't hear them in me. Pink's "Perfect", Katy Perry's "Firework" I sing them to that girl and hope she will believe in what they are saying. Beacause I do deserve to be happy, lighter and loved. I am a worthwhile person and there are people who like and love me despite my faults and my fat. So I am stepping away from the chocolate and embracing my hunger pains and I am going to prove those voices in my head wrong! You just watch me!!!
Monday, 18 April 2011
Today was a struggle
Day three and I really struggled, it must be a lack of calories to the brain. I really wanted to eat proper food today. I was ok in the morning but this afternoon wanted badly to eat peanut butter on white toast, nice gooey hot peanut butter mmmm.....
Didn't help that my daughter decided to eat peanut butter sandwhiches for lunch and then when I complained the smell was getting to me came over breathed it all over me!! Wee sod LOL
I felt a bit stressed by it all and confused as to what I could eat, lots of texts and online chatting to my girlfriend was a huge help, I felt so much better after my dinner - real food soooo good. I had Symply Too Good To be True Honey Mustard Chicken which was a huge meal and so very yummy. I discovered that 1 cup of air popped popcorn is only 31 calories so that is another addition to my snack list.
I am going grocery shopping tomorrow, have to take the kids worse luck cos it is the holidays so I am expecting lots of "I want" and "can we have", I am also going to the warehouse to get a rain coat and a hoodie, I couldn't go for my planned walk today cos the weather turned ghastly, rain, freezing cold and gale force winds. I need something to keep me warm and dry or I will never get any exercise.
So today was a day of my demons whispering in my ear, have managed to avoid giving into them and am rather proud of myself indeed. I am going to stoke the fire up and shut it down for the night and huddle in my bed and hope the weather is better tomorrow.
Didn't help that my daughter decided to eat peanut butter sandwhiches for lunch and then when I complained the smell was getting to me came over breathed it all over me!! Wee sod LOL
I felt a bit stressed by it all and confused as to what I could eat, lots of texts and online chatting to my girlfriend was a huge help, I felt so much better after my dinner - real food soooo good. I had Symply Too Good To be True Honey Mustard Chicken which was a huge meal and so very yummy. I discovered that 1 cup of air popped popcorn is only 31 calories so that is another addition to my snack list.
I am going grocery shopping tomorrow, have to take the kids worse luck cos it is the holidays so I am expecting lots of "I want" and "can we have", I am also going to the warehouse to get a rain coat and a hoodie, I couldn't go for my planned walk today cos the weather turned ghastly, rain, freezing cold and gale force winds. I need something to keep me warm and dry or I will never get any exercise.
So today was a day of my demons whispering in my ear, have managed to avoid giving into them and am rather proud of myself indeed. I am going to stoke the fire up and shut it down for the night and huddle in my bed and hope the weather is better tomorrow.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Shaken and Stirred
Well that is day 2 over and done with. It has been a funny old day indeed. Am still not loving the shakes, am forcing them down with another drink at hand to wash the taste out LOL! They are filling though. The hardest part of today was lunch, my mum and her partner came for a visit and bought fresh cheesy buns, ham, tomatos and salad fixings for lunch, I had to sit with them and drink my shake all the while wishing they would eat the buns faster cos I really wanted one! I got through it though. I was hungry off and on again at work. I decided on a whim to jump on the scales at work and miraculously was 148.9kg that is down 1.5kg!!!! OMG!!! totally makes the sculling shakes and hunger pangs worth it. Lets hope it continues in this way.
And because my mum came and i had work this afternoon, I didn't get the chance to go for a walk. I do feel bad about it but i figure I have already walked alot more than usual this week LOL. It is persisting down with rain at the moment and i am really hoping it will be gone by the time I go for a walk tomorrow cos I don't wanna get wet LOL. Usually I would make an excuse not to go if it was raining but I am determined to walk everyday while I am on this diet.
I ended up telling the girls at work that I am friends with about my diet, they are all encouraging and supportive which is nice, one of them said tonight "I thought you had put on weight, you can really see it in your face" - nobody has ever said that to me before, I have been spoken to cruelly about my weight but this was not said with malice at all. Mind you it has been years since anyone really commented on my weight to my face - apart from my doctor that is.
I am a bit shaken tonight and not making sense, on the way home from work, I took a corner too fast and aquaplaned a few times and nearly crashed into a concrete pillar. Really scared me - cannot die before I lose this weight or I will be soooo pissed!!1
I am again really hungry now, I am staying out of the kitchen cos there are hot cross buns in the cupboard and if I go in there I will eat one. Am drinking instead to fill me up. I had better go to bed, I have the next 2 days off - yay!! Hopefully my body will be a bit more used to being hungry by wednesday when I go back.
And because my mum came and i had work this afternoon, I didn't get the chance to go for a walk. I do feel bad about it but i figure I have already walked alot more than usual this week LOL. It is persisting down with rain at the moment and i am really hoping it will be gone by the time I go for a walk tomorrow cos I don't wanna get wet LOL. Usually I would make an excuse not to go if it was raining but I am determined to walk everyday while I am on this diet.
I ended up telling the girls at work that I am friends with about my diet, they are all encouraging and supportive which is nice, one of them said tonight "I thought you had put on weight, you can really see it in your face" - nobody has ever said that to me before, I have been spoken to cruelly about my weight but this was not said with malice at all. Mind you it has been years since anyone really commented on my weight to my face - apart from my doctor that is.
I am a bit shaken tonight and not making sense, on the way home from work, I took a corner too fast and aquaplaned a few times and nearly crashed into a concrete pillar. Really scared me - cannot die before I lose this weight or I will be soooo pissed!!1
I am again really hungry now, I am staying out of the kitchen cos there are hot cross buns in the cupboard and if I go in there I will eat one. Am drinking instead to fill me up. I had better go to bed, I have the next 2 days off - yay!! Hopefully my body will be a bit more used to being hungry by wednesday when I go back.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Day 1
Well day one is officially over, I survived LOL!!
I must admit the shakes are not that nice, I have to scull them down or it is worse drinking them slowly. I wasn't hungry until about 4pm, I had an apple for afternoon tea but was still hungry at 7pm for tea, boy did I enjoy my soup and damper though! Real food LOL. I managed to get through till 10pm before I got hungry and had a yoghurt. It is midnight now and I am really hungry but trying not to have anything else to eat.
I took Milo for a half hour walk this morning, I struggled with the half hour. I have become very unfit since I last walked him in Jan. I thought about walking a block further but was struggling so I am glad I didn't, baby steps. My legs are sore tonight, I will have to check the optifast site cos I can't remember whether I am supposed to exercise everyday or every second day. I dunno if I can fit in a walk in the morning, my mum is coming for a visit and I got home from work to find the house a tip so I will be busy tidying in the morning. Maybe I can dance and clean?LOL
So today wasn't too much of a struggle, I did feel light headed for a bit but ate a bite of my damper to sort my blood sugar. I had to remind myself not to graze the left over patients dinner off the trolley, and I politely declined the delicious looking apple shortcake at supper time. There was a plate on my desk of it and I pretended it was mouldy to avoid temptation!!
So roll on tomorrow, I am thinking light thoughts and imagining my fat melting away while my belly rumbles. Night all...
I must admit the shakes are not that nice, I have to scull them down or it is worse drinking them slowly. I wasn't hungry until about 4pm, I had an apple for afternoon tea but was still hungry at 7pm for tea, boy did I enjoy my soup and damper though! Real food LOL. I managed to get through till 10pm before I got hungry and had a yoghurt. It is midnight now and I am really hungry but trying not to have anything else to eat.
I took Milo for a half hour walk this morning, I struggled with the half hour. I have become very unfit since I last walked him in Jan. I thought about walking a block further but was struggling so I am glad I didn't, baby steps. My legs are sore tonight, I will have to check the optifast site cos I can't remember whether I am supposed to exercise everyday or every second day. I dunno if I can fit in a walk in the morning, my mum is coming for a visit and I got home from work to find the house a tip so I will be busy tidying in the morning. Maybe I can dance and clean?LOL
So today wasn't too much of a struggle, I did feel light headed for a bit but ate a bite of my damper to sort my blood sugar. I had to remind myself not to graze the left over patients dinner off the trolley, and I politely declined the delicious looking apple shortcake at supper time. There was a plate on my desk of it and I pretended it was mouldy to avoid temptation!!
So roll on tomorrow, I am thinking light thoughts and imagining my fat melting away while my belly rumbles. Night all...
Friday, 15 April 2011
Tomorrow...
Well I start my new lifestyle tomorrow, the box of chocolate shakes arrived today so tomorrow it is then. I am both excited and scared at the same time. Excited that I am going to lose some of this weight but scared it either won't work, I won't like it or I won't be able to stick to such a low amount of calories - we are talking 800 calories here, I am pretty sure I have been in excess of 3000 calories a day. The diet is supposed to be extremely low carb as well and as the bulk of my diet is currently carbs which is slightly nerve wracking. I have been thinking this afternoon that I won't follow this as strictly as it advises, I think as long as I stick to the calories surely if I have some carbs it will not be a bad thing?
My plan for my sole meal tomorrow is Symply Too Good to be True Minestrone soup at 99calories a serve and one slice of Symple Damper at 158 calories so that is 257 calories which is under the 300 calorie limit for my meal. So the rest of the day will be
Breakfast: Optifast choc shake
Snack: small apple
Lunch: another shake
Snack: low fat yoghurt
Tea: minestrone soup and damper
Snack: Tinned fruit in juice
I may die LOL! Today I ate
Breakfast: 4 slices of white toast with peanut butter
Lunch: Pasta with tomato sauce containing salami and grated cheese
Tea: Baked Risotto large plateful
Snack: Half a bag of supreme cheese doritos
So I am hoping and praying I will not be starving hungry, I have to work tomorrow too so I am nervous about being hungry, but I figure I will be fine with my soup etc. Ahh the joys of the unknown. This is my first meal replacement diet, all previous diets have involved some kind of food/points counting system.
But I am looking forward to weighing less, fitting some of the smaller clothes in my closet, feeling healthier and less tired all the time. I am hoping the aches and pains will go away. I can't wait to be the new me. So scared and excited, the excited is edging past the scared a bit.
Oh and exercise more, I have a half hour walk as my reccomended exercise for tomorrow - definately doable. I do need to invest in some kind of raincoat, my greyhound has one so I need one too - I will buy myself a rain poncho, looks like a pup tent, I tried my friend Mim's on today - it is LITERALLY the size of a pup tent. It was huge on me, she must look swamped in it. But it is only $10 from the whare whero, so I shall get one this week. I can no longer make excuses not to exercise "it's too cold/wet/windy/hot" or "I'm too tired/busy/lazy" will no longer cut it. I am going to hold myself accountable. I may moan but I need to get off my lardy ass and move it!
Last night I went through all of my clothes, I have alot of clothes in size 20 - 24 and very little that fits me now. I ended up for this winter with 2 pairs of jeans on their last legs, one warm blouse, 3 vests and that is it. I went to farmers today to try on some clothes. I found the most fab winter coat, I tell you it was like something Gok would put me in - I looked AWESOME in it!! $140 and Farmers don't do layby anymore - bastards! So I am hoping and praying they will still have it in my size when Ican afford it in 3 weeks time (well I hope), It is so rare that I feel fab in anything I really must own this coat even though I will be shrinking out of it soon - I might as well feel really good about myself in it while I can :) clothing as a psychological boost? Why not?
Right I am off to bed, wish me luck for tomorrow. I will try to remember to post after work tomorrow night and let you know I made it through the day LOL.
My plan for my sole meal tomorrow is Symply Too Good to be True Minestrone soup at 99calories a serve and one slice of Symple Damper at 158 calories so that is 257 calories which is under the 300 calorie limit for my meal. So the rest of the day will be
Breakfast: Optifast choc shake
Snack: small apple
Lunch: another shake
Snack: low fat yoghurt
Tea: minestrone soup and damper
Snack: Tinned fruit in juice
I may die LOL! Today I ate
Breakfast: 4 slices of white toast with peanut butter
Lunch: Pasta with tomato sauce containing salami and grated cheese
Tea: Baked Risotto large plateful
Snack: Half a bag of supreme cheese doritos
So I am hoping and praying I will not be starving hungry, I have to work tomorrow too so I am nervous about being hungry, but I figure I will be fine with my soup etc. Ahh the joys of the unknown. This is my first meal replacement diet, all previous diets have involved some kind of food/points counting system.
But I am looking forward to weighing less, fitting some of the smaller clothes in my closet, feeling healthier and less tired all the time. I am hoping the aches and pains will go away. I can't wait to be the new me. So scared and excited, the excited is edging past the scared a bit.
Oh and exercise more, I have a half hour walk as my reccomended exercise for tomorrow - definately doable. I do need to invest in some kind of raincoat, my greyhound has one so I need one too - I will buy myself a rain poncho, looks like a pup tent, I tried my friend Mim's on today - it is LITERALLY the size of a pup tent. It was huge on me, she must look swamped in it. But it is only $10 from the whare whero, so I shall get one this week. I can no longer make excuses not to exercise "it's too cold/wet/windy/hot" or "I'm too tired/busy/lazy" will no longer cut it. I am going to hold myself accountable. I may moan but I need to get off my lardy ass and move it!
Last night I went through all of my clothes, I have alot of clothes in size 20 - 24 and very little that fits me now. I ended up for this winter with 2 pairs of jeans on their last legs, one warm blouse, 3 vests and that is it. I went to farmers today to try on some clothes. I found the most fab winter coat, I tell you it was like something Gok would put me in - I looked AWESOME in it!! $140 and Farmers don't do layby anymore - bastards! So I am hoping and praying they will still have it in my size when Ican afford it in 3 weeks time (well I hope), It is so rare that I feel fab in anything I really must own this coat even though I will be shrinking out of it soon - I might as well feel really good about myself in it while I can :) clothing as a psychological boost? Why not?
Right I am off to bed, wish me luck for tomorrow. I will try to remember to post after work tomorrow night and let you know I made it through the day LOL.
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Starting again
I decided to write a blog, it is only intended as a diary for myself really. But if you are reading it I guess I should introduce myself and explain the point of this blog.
For this blog I am going to call myself SAM, I am a 39 year old, married mum of two and I work as a nurse. The point of this blog is to journal my latest weightloss journey. I have been fat since I was about 14, obese since 18 and morbidly obese since my mid twenties. I at my last weight, last week weighed 150.4 kg (300lbs?), to say the least I find myself ashamed, saddened and disgusted with myself for getting to this point. A part of me can't believe I have let myself get into this state, the other part knows exactly how and you don't need to point it out to me LOL!! I have done every diet available and am over counting points and having my life revolve around what goes into my mouth.
So why am I trying to lose weight for the millionth time? Two years ago, I returned to work after raising my kids. I weighed around 105kg after losing weight on weight watchers, I had dropped from 131kg and was rather proud of myself. Since then the stress of juggling work and family, shift work and being a target of workplace bullying has seen me shovel food in to stuff down the emotions. I don't like to be emotional, I hate to cry and I eat to deal with any feelings I have. Typical I know. Anyway in the last month or so I have been exhausted all the time, I have no energy and struggle with the walking I have to do at work, I have spent more time on the couch and less time moving around. My joints hurt, my blood pressure is up and I have become more and more uncomfortable in myself. I find my fat rising up to greet me when I sit in a chair and I feel physically sick if I catch sight of myself in a mirror or reflection. Oh and none of my clothes fit - I am at the top of the clothing sizes here in NZ, and not many stores sell a 28 anyway.
Sooo my friend and I have been having long discussions about our wieght (I am 60kg heavier than her) and we have both decided we need to do something and do it now. She has a wedding to go to in 12 weeks and wants to look nice in the photos. Me? Well I am 40 in october, I want to be smaller by 10-20kg to be comfortable by then. And I am gunna celebrate by getting my half sleeve tattoo started (still have to come up with a design LOL). So we have a goal, we even came up with the method to kick it all off...
Optifast, one of those meal replacement diets. It is one they give people who are going for gastric bypass surgery before they get the op. I don't qualify for surgery as I have a stomach ulcer so it is all up to me. The Optifast website is quite good, We are going to replace 2 meals a day and eat a low calorie "normal" meal for the third. According to Optifast if I do this for 12 weeks and increase my exercise I can lose 32.6kg which would bring me back to where I was 2 years ago. I am thinking if it is not too hard to follow I will keep going till at least 20 weeks which would take me to nearly xmas.
So we have ordered our meal replacement shakes and we are waiting for them to arrive, I wish they would hurry up, I am itching to start and see if it is doable and most importantly if it works. I am fed up with the way I look, I don't feel like a fat person on the inside. I don't want to be a size 0 supermodel type, I will be thrilled to get to 99kg. I am excited and I am scared.
I am scared to fail AGAIN, I know I can lose weight, I usually lose 20-25kg. I have never kept it off, I need to learn how to not give up, I need to learn to love myself enough to want this enough to finish what I am starting. I need to feel like I can hold my head high and not want to hide away from the world.
I have not kept a blog in a long time, I will try really hard to keep it up, I am hoping it will be a way of working my way through my inner issues while I work on the outer me.
For this blog I am going to call myself SAM, I am a 39 year old, married mum of two and I work as a nurse. The point of this blog is to journal my latest weightloss journey. I have been fat since I was about 14, obese since 18 and morbidly obese since my mid twenties. I at my last weight, last week weighed 150.4 kg (300lbs?), to say the least I find myself ashamed, saddened and disgusted with myself for getting to this point. A part of me can't believe I have let myself get into this state, the other part knows exactly how and you don't need to point it out to me LOL!! I have done every diet available and am over counting points and having my life revolve around what goes into my mouth.
So why am I trying to lose weight for the millionth time? Two years ago, I returned to work after raising my kids. I weighed around 105kg after losing weight on weight watchers, I had dropped from 131kg and was rather proud of myself. Since then the stress of juggling work and family, shift work and being a target of workplace bullying has seen me shovel food in to stuff down the emotions. I don't like to be emotional, I hate to cry and I eat to deal with any feelings I have. Typical I know. Anyway in the last month or so I have been exhausted all the time, I have no energy and struggle with the walking I have to do at work, I have spent more time on the couch and less time moving around. My joints hurt, my blood pressure is up and I have become more and more uncomfortable in myself. I find my fat rising up to greet me when I sit in a chair and I feel physically sick if I catch sight of myself in a mirror or reflection. Oh and none of my clothes fit - I am at the top of the clothing sizes here in NZ, and not many stores sell a 28 anyway.
Sooo my friend and I have been having long discussions about our wieght (I am 60kg heavier than her) and we have both decided we need to do something and do it now. She has a wedding to go to in 12 weeks and wants to look nice in the photos. Me? Well I am 40 in october, I want to be smaller by 10-20kg to be comfortable by then. And I am gunna celebrate by getting my half sleeve tattoo started (still have to come up with a design LOL). So we have a goal, we even came up with the method to kick it all off...
Optifast, one of those meal replacement diets. It is one they give people who are going for gastric bypass surgery before they get the op. I don't qualify for surgery as I have a stomach ulcer so it is all up to me. The Optifast website is quite good, We are going to replace 2 meals a day and eat a low calorie "normal" meal for the third. According to Optifast if I do this for 12 weeks and increase my exercise I can lose 32.6kg which would bring me back to where I was 2 years ago. I am thinking if it is not too hard to follow I will keep going till at least 20 weeks which would take me to nearly xmas.
So we have ordered our meal replacement shakes and we are waiting for them to arrive, I wish they would hurry up, I am itching to start and see if it is doable and most importantly if it works. I am fed up with the way I look, I don't feel like a fat person on the inside. I don't want to be a size 0 supermodel type, I will be thrilled to get to 99kg. I am excited and I am scared.
I am scared to fail AGAIN, I know I can lose weight, I usually lose 20-25kg. I have never kept it off, I need to learn how to not give up, I need to learn to love myself enough to want this enough to finish what I am starting. I need to feel like I can hold my head high and not want to hide away from the world.
I have not kept a blog in a long time, I will try really hard to keep it up, I am hoping it will be a way of working my way through my inner issues while I work on the outer me.
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