Starting again

I decided to write a blog, it is only intended as a diary for myself really. But if you are reading it I guess I should introduce myself and explain the point of this blog.

For this blog I am going to call myself SAM, I am a 39 year old, married mum of two and I work as a nurse. The point of this blog is to journal my latest weightloss journey. I have been fat since I was about 14, obese since 18 and morbidly obese since my mid twenties. I at my last weight, last week weighed 150.4 kg (300lbs?), to say the least I find myself ashamed, saddened and disgusted with myself for getting to this point. A part of me can't believe I have let myself get into this state, the other part knows exactly how and you don't need to point it out to me LOL!! I have done every diet available and am over counting points and having my life revolve around what goes into my mouth.

So why am I trying to lose weight for the millionth time? Two years ago, I returned to work after raising my kids. I weighed around 105kg after losing weight on weight watchers, I had dropped from 131kg and was rather proud of myself. Since then the stress of juggling work and family, shift work and being a target of workplace bullying has seen me shovel food in to stuff down the emotions. I don't like to be emotional, I hate to cry and I eat to deal with any feelings I have. Typical I know. Anyway in the last month or so I have been exhausted all the time, I have no energy and struggle with the walking I have to do at work, I have spent more time on the couch and less time moving around. My joints hurt, my blood pressure is up and I have become more and more uncomfortable in myself. I find my fat rising up to greet me when I sit in a chair and I feel physically sick if I catch sight of myself in a mirror or reflection. Oh and none of my clothes fit - I am at the top of the clothing sizes here in NZ, and not many stores sell a 28 anyway.

Sooo my friend and I have been having long discussions about our wieght (I am 60kg heavier than her) and we have both decided we need to do something and do it now. She has a wedding to go to in 12 weeks and wants to look nice in the photos. Me? Well I am 40 in october, I want to be smaller by 10-20kg to be comfortable by then. And I am gunna celebrate by getting my half sleeve tattoo started (still have to come up with a design LOL). So we have a goal, we even came up with the method to kick it all off...

Optifast, one of those meal replacement diets. It is one they give people who are going for gastric bypass surgery before they get the op. I don't qualify for surgery as I have a stomach ulcer so it is all up to me. The Optifast website is quite good, We are going to replace 2 meals a day and eat a low calorie "normal" meal for the third. According to Optifast if I do this for 12 weeks and increase my exercise I can lose 32.6kg which would bring me back to where I was 2 years ago. I am thinking if it is not too hard to follow I will keep going till at least 20 weeks which would take me to nearly xmas.

So we have ordered our meal replacement shakes and we are waiting for them to arrive, I wish they would hurry up, I am itching to start and see if it is doable and most importantly if it works. I am fed up with the way I look, I don't feel like a fat person on the inside. I don't want to be a size 0 supermodel type, I will be thrilled to get to 99kg. I am excited and I am scared.

I am scared to fail AGAIN, I know I can lose weight, I usually lose 20-25kg. I have never kept it off, I need to learn how to not give up, I need to learn to love myself enough to want this enough to finish what I am starting. I need to feel like I can hold my head high and not want to hide away from the world.

I have not kept a blog in a long time, I will try really hard to keep it up, I am hoping it will be a way of working my way through my inner issues while I work on the outer me.