are doing my head in! I had a really good day until about 8pm when I started craving all sorts of food, chocolate, bacon, peanut butter, luncheon, bread, did I mention chocolate?? I am not actually hungry, I just want all those foods because I am not sposed to have them - why does "bad" food have to taste so darn good?? It is always the way when you go on a diet, you start craving what you aren't supposed to eat. I don't actually want to eat those things because I am doing well so far this week and I don't want to undo the hard work i have put in, but my subconscious fat self keeps harping on in my ear. I am just staying outta the kitchen.
Those fat self voices in your head are the worst thing, and they are usually the reason I give up and go back to eating shite. I have spent years trying to find a counsellor to help me rid myself of those demons but there seems to be a dire lack of quality help out there. So I try to ignore them and focus on the good work I have done and the results I am getting.
I am watching "I used to be fat" on telly while I am writing this, it seems to me a majority of people who gain this much weight have self worth issues. To say I hate myself is an understatement, when people think badly about me because of my weight they can never come anywhere near the self loathing I have for myself. I don't know why I started to feel this way about myself, I remember being a happy child until we came back from SIngapore. Then I remember feeling that I was wrong in some way, not good enough, that I didn't belong in my family. I used to draw pictures of my family and I was always pictured well away from the rest of them. I know in later years that sense of not being enough worsened. I ate to cover my feelings, my parents sent me to boarding school (in their mind so I could get a good education) I felt unwanted, I was bullied at school and the over eating continued. I started binge eating in 5th form, I remember going to town and buying a big bag of chippies, king size chocolate, 2 litre coke and a 2 litre tub of ice cream and scoff it all down until I felt sick. I never threw it up.
And so I got fatter, I wasn't obese as a teen. I used to hear all the time that it was puppy fat and it would go away - hmm still hasn't gone and I am almost 40! LOL My parents didn't help, they misguidingly thought if they told me off about my weight I would do something about it. I did - I ate more!! The culture of my boarding school was you were nothing without a boyfriend, so I accepted the only boy who ever paid attention to me, it was the start of a 10year off and on relationship that finally ended when he became abusive. Honestly the physical abuse was nowhere near as damaging as the psychological abuse, the ramifications of his words still affect me today 15 years later.
I am lucky enough that I found a man who loves me for me, fat or thin, bitchy or nice. He still loves me. I still have difficulty accepting that and understanding it. I deep down don't believe I deserve it. I cannot believe that 12 years down the track he is still here, putting up with my crap and still loving me.
So the voices in my mind, the ones that tell me "you can't do it", "you will quit eventually", "you are always going to be fat", "you don't deserve to be happy" they are still there, but I am trying to drown them out. I am trying to look after the girl I was, silly little things like songs that I want my daughter to heed the message of, I am playing them for the girl who didn't hear them in me. Pink's "Perfect", Katy Perry's "Firework" I sing them to that girl and hope she will believe in what they are saying. Beacause I do deserve to be happy, lighter and loved. I am a worthwhile person and there are people who like and love me despite my faults and my fat. So I am stepping away from the chocolate and embracing my hunger pains and I am going to prove those voices in my head wrong! You just watch me!!!
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